Thursday, February 18, 2010


Memories. I have realized have very few. I am doing a Beth Moore study called "Breaking Free" and we are supposed to identify generational sins to help us break free from them. I have been a big believer in generational sins for years and have seen the effects of them on my family. This is nothing new, but what is new, through a series of events I have come to realize I only have bad memories, especially from my childhood. Also, I can only identify the negative qualities of my parents and grandparents.

For some reason, I can not remember when I did something well or when I said something smart or even when I was kind to someone. I only remember when I said something stupid, hurt someone's feelings, or did something shameful or embarrassing. I have on occasion had someone tell me that I was kind and I remember being shocked. I thought surely they are one of those people who have problems with over-exaggeration.

The Lord says, "That as far as the east is from the west, so far have I removed your transgressions". So why can't I let them go? This is what I have asked Him as well as, "Please help me to remember the good things too".

Therefore, I intend to blog about the good memories as He brings them to mind. It is my way of drawing a line in the sand and saying, "No more!". I am not going to wallow in the sins of the past. I am going to "think on the good things that the Lord has done for me". And since there are usually only two people who read my blog and I feel very safe with both of them, I think it will be very therapeutic.

First memory: playing cards. Last night while talking to a friend about getting together, she mentioned playing rummy. I remember having so much fun playing rummy and various card games with my family. As long as everyone was home and no one was drinking, it was so much fun. I remember one summer day sitting on the back porch and my mom teaching us older kids how to play hearts. It was so much fun and I remember laughing. It was warm and safe that day.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Popcorn and Olympics

My daughter was in the tub while the popcorn was popping. She asked me if I had a smell that reminded me of home. My thought was, "yeah cigarettes and stale beer" but I didn't answer. Instead I asked her if she had one. She replied, "Popcorn and homemade bread". I almost started crying. Maybe one day my kids will "arise and call me blessed" instead of "mom I don't have any clean pants".

As long as they know that I love them, I guess they don't have to call me blessed. I know my mother loved me and the rest of my brothers and sisters. Things were not always "blessed" but my mommy loved me and besides the love of my Heavenly Father, that's enough.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Birthday! Today is my 46th birthday and it turned out pretty well. I woke up depressed. Not sure why. I don't think it had to do with my age but maybe because Thursday was the one year anniversary of my mother's death. Maybe it was because I took care of one person after the other with the stomach virus this week. (Thankfully, I did not get it.) Or maybe it was because of the argument my husband and I had last night over me wanting to watch the opening ceremonies in bed and him wanting to sleep. How is that for a switch?

Anyway, I was not really looking forward to the day. I woke up to a messy house, an irritable husband not completely recovered from the virus, and grumpy children who did not want to do anything the irritable husband told them. I would have canceled my appointment at the spa if it weren't for the fact that I had to get out of here.

I left home and picked up my friend Kim. We drove to the spa and I went in for a facial and she took my filthy car to be washed and the carpets cleaned for my birthday. Next we went to lunch and then shopping for organic produce. I know this may not sound exciting to most people, but it thrills me. Fresh, nutritious, and flavorful foods for my family make my heart jump.

The best part was when I returned home. The house was clean, everyone was happy, steak and asparagus were on the menu, presents had been dropped off by Granny Bear and my sister Mandy, and this beautiful cake was on the table. My dear sweet daughter had made it and decorated it all by herself. No one had ever shown her how. I was so impressed.

Lastly, I had the courage to accept a friend request from a women I went to high school with and even invited another high school friend. I thought that if I kept my maiden name off of Facebook, no one would ever find me.

I am not really sure why I am so afraid of my past. I know I don't remember very much of my life before I was saved. I know I was not happy and really did not like who I was. I really can not remember "good times" or things that I am proud of . I only remember hurt and shame. It has taken me years to partially understand this and see how it affects the people that I love.

I don't deserve the good things God has given me. But, I know the time has come for me to see me as He sees me. A beloved daughter that He was willing to die for. Oh if I could just wrap my arms around that one, it would indeed transform my life.